Facing Fear
What causes us to be afraid? Most often it’s the unknown, self doubt and thoughts of inadequacy, thinking you can’t handle the situation, worry everyone will see you fail and you’ll be embarrassed or ashamed. You hear and see it often that growth only comes from a place of discomfort, and that is so true. You are capable of handling a lot more than you believe you can. I found a lot of comfort from the lyrics of the Catholic hymn, Be Not Afraid, by John Michael Talbot, during one of the scariest periods of my life; being a caregiver.
I never saw myself as a nurse before. Or a caregiver, but life forced that responsibility upon me. When my parents fell ill it was my responsibility as the oldest to make sure they were cared for until the day they died.
My dad nursed my mom during her illness so I was really more of an advocate for her and less of a caregiver. I would schedule the appointments, kept up with the calendar of caregivers, go with her to appointments as a support and an extra ear. I could handle that. That was still somewhat in my comfort zone. I recall joking with everyone that I was a Google certified oncologist because I was searching end to end on the internet looking for answers and more treatment options. I was so scared of what life would be like without her. I needed my mom to know I was fighting for her. I was fighting with her and was doing everything I could to find a solution that would miraculously make her cancer free. She was afraid and I wanted to give her hope. God guided me through my fear.
When my dad was sick, I had no choice but to be a hands-on caregiver. I learned how to administer morphine and other medications I couldn’t even pronounce. My main goal was to make sure he didn’t suffer, not even one day. That was my ONLY goal for the last six months of his life. The first day of giving my dad his morphine, I noticed that I’d misread his dosage. I panicked and called the pharmacy right away. My dad with his silly sense of humor teased me and asked if I was trying to kill him. I started crying and told him it wasn’t funny…I was truly scared! I found out that he was going to be okay but, in that moment, I was so afraid.
Once he slipped into his coma, he started to cry out a lot. I knew that was normal near the end of life, but it still caused me so much anxiety because he couldn’t tell me if he was in pain. I broke down many times at his bedside and begged him to squeeze my hand if he was comfortable. A few days later, I was given a miracle. I slept on the couch next to him and he woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me I was doing a good job caring for him and he was not in any pain. I needed to hear those words so desperately. He was only with me for about 20 minutes but that was an invaluable gift I’ll never forget.
I was afraid a lot after my parents died. I lost that sense of security. I was blessed with supportive parents that comforted me when I was anxious. I could call mom and she would tell me it was all going to be alright. I knew if something broke dad would come help us fix it. When I needed help with my daughter, they were going to be there for whatever I needed. I didn’t have that anymore and I was afraid. My fear paralyzed me and I became stagnant for several years after.
Being a caregiver terrified me. It forced me out of my comfort zone and I had to hang out there for a couple of years. How many times have we been forced to face something we are truly afraid of? I’d venture to guess a lot. We can be afraid of an upcoming test we must pass, a presentation we are soon to give, that awful noise your washer just started making, a job interview, an appointment next week for your sick child. We all have some sort of obstacle staring us in the face making us scared of what’s to come next.
Fear can be a good thing at times because it can cause us to pause and reevaluate in the face of something dangerous, but it can also hold us back from our full potential. Whether you are forced to face your fear or you willingly choose to, you are exercising that courage muscle building resilience to face life’s hardships.
We can only grow when we are uncomfortable. We have to learn to walk in fear in order to grow. God has a plan for your life. Trust Him and do the thing that makes your stomach turn. Face your fears head on with Him walking right alongside you.
Teresa Howard
So proud of you! I love that you have the courage to write about all this as well! You had me singing Be Not Afraid, which is a song I love. ♥️ Love you and you know I’m always here if you need me!!
Jessica
Teresa HowardLove you, BFF!
Cindy Mattingly
Jessica, your writings are so beautiful in every way!! I’ve lost both my parents as well. And being one of their caregivers, it is so difficult at many levels! I now look at it as a holy time that God gives us the grace to walk with our parents and to help them in their final journey.
Your Mom and Dad are so proud of you and the time you gave in caring for them!!♥️
Jessica
Cindy MattinglyThank you, Cindy! My time caring for mom and dad was the hardest but most rewarding times in my life. What a blessing it was to be that for them.
Tina Howard
Beautiful testament to a life of service. I know your mom and dad are so proud of you. I sure am. Thank you for sharing
Jessica
Tina HowardThank you, Tina!
Tina
Girl, this so made me cry, you are so strong. I’ve been my parents caregiver after surgeries and it’s a scary job, I remember doing their meds and I would check it about 10 times and still be afraid I messed up. I couldn’t imagine the end of life care you did. Prayers for you and this was such a good read♥️….you are a true inspiration
Jessica
TinaThank you so much, Tina! Thanks for reading!
Sharon Wilgus
Jessica, this brought tears to my eyes! You have had a lot thrown onto your shoulders at such a young age. I love your writing! You are such an inspiration to everybody! I love you and will always be here for you!
Jessica
Sharon WilgusLove you, Aunt Sharon! You are the best!
Donna
Jessica, I too love the song Be Not Afraid. I love your blog and can relate to it in so many different ways. Keep bring the string beautiful women that you are.
Jessica
DonnaThank you so much, Donna!
Lou Higdon
YOU ARE AMAZING!!! So proud to have you in my life💕 you have NO idea how many people you have touched in your life💗 keep on being YOU!!! Love you my sweet friend 🤗
Jessica
Lou HigdonThank you, Lou! 💕