Take in the Moment
I lost my mom when I was thirty-four. It’s been nine years without her and I still want to pick up the phone and call her every day.
There’s been so much that has changed in my life – in my family’s life – that I want to talk to her about. Navigating through hard seasons without her has been difficult, but luckily, I’ve had her example of great strength and resilience to shape me and help me through.
This Mother’s Day has been a little harder than those in the past. There’s no particular reason for it, other than grief – that gnarly thing that creeps back in even after all these years. The feelings of sadness seem to go as quickly as they come, but they can sometimes sneak up on you.
My mother’s passion was to support those with depression and mental illness and those left to survive the loss of a loved one by suicide. This passion came from the loss of her youngest son. Mom told me after losing Justin, she felt so helpless and alone and like no one truly understood the depth of her pain. In search for answers and support, she checked out every book at the library and searched the internet until she found her online community, where she became a moderator. She was a leader in the group – one a lot of moms all over the world turned to in the wake of their new normal.
I journaled a lot this week about my mom and reflected on some of the lessons I learned from her. I’d like to share a few with you:
- Love your family fiercely. I use the word fiercely with intention. Loving your family fiercely means showing it with a powerful and heartfelt intensity. No matter what differences she had with any of her family members, she still loved them whole heartedly – always!
- Forgiveness isn’t easy, but absolutely necessary. This one speaks for itself.
- Be bold. Be brave. After my brother died by suicide, my mom became a warrior. Again, I use that word very intentionally. She didn’t sit back and let my brother die in vain. She used her pain to fight for awareness and offered ways to support the survivors of suicide.
- If it’s not there, create it! How often do we think to ourselves, “I wish there was this or that offered” or “Other communities have that but we don’t”. Mom did that often looking for resources after my brother’s death and couldn’t find what she was looking for, so she got busy rallying troops and together they created the Owensboro Regional Suicide Prevention Coalition, the Annual Lifesaver’s Walk, Survivors of Suicide Loss Bereavement Group. She worked to bring Question, Persuade, Refer (QPR) training into schools and businesses. She didn’t believe in sitting back and waiting, she took action!
- Check in on your people. After mom passed, I received message after message from friends, acquaintances, and even strangers telling me how mom checked in on them. One friend told me mom went as far as showing up at their house demanding they open the door so she could lay her eyes on them because she could tell they were struggling. Check in on people. They remember.
- Send thank you notes! Sending thank you notes was so important to mom and it’s something I really appreciate her passing on to me. For every birthday gift, graduation gift, wedding gift, baby gift, just because gift – she made me write a note. Now when I receive a thank you note, I understand why she placed such high importance on it. It’s nice when your thoughtfulness and kindness is acknowledged and appreciated. It’s something I’ve passed on to my own little girl! It makes me smile when she sends a note of appreciation without my prodding. I feel like it’s a little tribute to her Granny in some way.
- Have faith. Mom loved the scripture from Matthew 17:20, “…if your faith is the size of a mustard see you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; nothing will be impossible for you.”
Mom and I were best friends. We shared everything with each other. There were so many days after losing her that I wanted to pick up the phone to tell her I was drowning and I didn’t understand my new normal. Nothing in life felt right anymore. There was a hole so big in my heart that I knew it would never be repaired. There were so many things that I was unsure of and she would’ve been my first call. But I know she’s with me. I see signs every day that she’s near.
There’s one lesson that I recalled pretty quickly and it came from a memory on my wedding day. I’ll never forget the look on mom’s face when my daddy and I were walking down the aisle and the way she stood back all by herself and watched our daddy/daughter dance at the reception. She was smiling from ear to ear as Bruce and I cut our wedding cake. She truly took those moments in. She savored it.
So, today, in honor of my momma, I’m going to eat the cake and enjoy it, I’m going to spend the afternoon with my daughter (who I’ll be seeing for the first time in a couple months) and my husband, and truly take in the moment.
I hope you find ways today to savor the moment and celebrate accordingly.
Photo by Sean Stratton on Unsplash
Tina Howard
Your mom came to a retreat at St Mary’s that I helped direct shortly after Justin’s passing. We were prepared to offer her support in weakness. We were the weak ones and she was there to comfort us. Her faith and strength were amazing.
I will never forget that and her love for butterflies. I know these are just words, but feel blessed because she was AMAZING. Love, hugs, and prayers
Lou Higdon
YOU ARE AMAZING AND YOU LEARNED IT FROM THE BEST!!! Love you Jessica and NEVER forget how many lives your sweet Momma and you also have touched💗🤗💗
Kristie
❤️