As I started to work through my personal grief several years back, I was challenged by a friend to do a mindfulness exercise, so I could allow my feelings to surface. I accepted the challenge.

What does it mean to be mindful? It’s defined as conscious or aware; staying in the present moment. So often we go through the motions of everyday life and stuff our icky feelings down deep. I’m really, really good at this. But ultimately it bubbles to the surface and usually at the most inopportune time. It would never fail and was just like clockwork each month – when my feelings started to come to the surface, I would become very irritable with my family then a few days later (usually when we had somewhere important to go) I would begin crying with no control. Sometimes the tears would just fall without any real raw emotion behind them, then other months it would come out as a full-on sob. It wasn’t long that I realized I had to work through this to gain some type of control because my grief was affecting my relationships and affecting me physically too. 

I woke up and decided I would stay in the present moment and really notice my surroundings and allow myself to feel no matter what it was. I had several encounters throughout the day that pulled up some memories and it was hard to not just look away and carry on like I’d done before. Here’s how it went: 

Mindfulness Part 1: I started in my car. I was going to really focus on my surroundings as I drove and as I stopped at red lights.  Have you ever looked into a person’s car and looked at their facial expressions and tried to imagine what their story might be? Well, I did. My first subject was a middle-aged woman, who was of average size and was wearing a head scarf.  As I tried to imagine what her story might be, tears welled up in my eyes. I made the assumption by the scarf on her head that she was fighting cancer and, man, that instantly brought me to think of my own mother who battled cancer. Like my mom, she was probably scared but fighting back her fears because she wanted to be strong for her family. She probably has a family at home that worried about her. Did she have health insurance? Was she going to be okay? My thoughts were racing and I was FEELING it all. I wanted to turn it off and distract myself by fiddling with the radio or looking around at anything else, but I forced myself to sit in that moment and feel that emotion. It.Was.Hard.

Mindfulness Part 2: I drove up the road and was stopped by another stoplight. As ironic as it seemed, on the edge of the road there was a man in his 50s wearing a t-shirt, blue jeans and work boots, digging a trench probably to run a cable of some sort. Tears no longer well up, they begin flowing. I immediately think of my daddy who worked for the local utility company, operated a backhoe, worked with a great crew, and loved clocking in every single day. At this point I want to get back to normal and revert to the mind-numbing state I was in before, but I decided to stick with it and see where it would take me. 

Mindfulness Part 3: Leaving the grocery store, I noticed a woman with two small kids waiting at the bus stop on the corner there. That brought me back to a day in my community leadership development class where I had to pose as a child with a single mom and a brother and we were homeless. Navigating just one day in that scenario broke my heart and opened my eyes to the struggles and stressors of so many. Having that memory, I couldn’t help but imagine this family’s situation being the same. I noticed more and more people along my route that appeared to be struggling. I noticed their long faces, slumped shoulders, and defeated body language. No tears this time, but a deep sadness overcame me and I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

Being truly present in the moment is harder that you might think – challenges you to really feel emotions. Reflecting back on that day reminded me a of a quote by C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed, “Feelings, and feelings, and feelings. Let me try thinking instead.” 

This mindfulness exercise reminded me to be aware of the burdens others might carry, including my own. Feeling feelings is scary, and if not addressed and worked through can come out in the ugliest of ways and at the worst times possible. We think we have full control over our emotions and most times we do, but emotions rooted from grief are harder to control. Be mindful of triggers in your day and allow those emotions to be felt and it will keep them from consuming you. 

I challenge you to become more mindful of what’s around you and see what bubbles up. It might be something simple or something big, but it’s something that needs to be felt.